screenshots of mac os x 26 of november, 1996 by johnmichael patrick monty monteith

It was an overcast drizzling Sunday afternoon at about six o’clock when I got the call. Bill and Melinda were sitting around the dinner table in their new Lake Washington techno-dream home when they came to realize their curious predicament.

"Bill," Melinda says.

"Yes, Honey?" replies the richest man in the universe.

"It has been so many years since Apple has released a new operating system, aren’t you a little worried?"

"How so?" he asks.

She explains, "Well, every time Apple comes out with a new operating system, a couple years later you steal their best ideas and make millions on your own buggy version."

"Of course. As I have always told you, the only way to get anywhere in this world is steal from the best" Bill answers.

She takes his hand and pats it, "I know, that’s why I married you. Now, Sugar Bucks, it looks as though Apple is trying the same thing, because they haven’t released a really new operating system since you first sent that ‘Good Times’ message to Marc Andreessen."

Bill laughs, "Those were the days. My first email message. And I said it would never catch on, too."

Melinda chuckles, "Yes, that was fun. Bill, people are thinking you are going to release a new version of Windows. But you have nothing new to release. You’ve already stolen all of the Mac ideas."

"Except the ease of use ideas. That definitely is not going to make it."

"You’re right," she says, "but whatever shall you do for a Windows 97?"

"Oh," Bill ponders, "I was just going to steal the ideas from Netscape."

"Netscape? You can’t steal web browser ideas for an operating system."

"Really?" Bill is now completely baffled. "When I told the guys down at the office this idea a few months back, they thought it was great. They told me they would get to work on it right away."

"They were just trying to make you feel good, Honey. A browser as the operating system? You couldn’t be serious," she says as kindly as she can.

"Oh. I suppose you’re right." Bill pauses for a minute to think over the situation. "Well, I am in a predicament, then. This calls for immediate action."

That is when I received a call from Bill. He had heard through the rumor mill that an assimilated Windows 95 user, not too far from Redmond, owned two Macintosh machines of his very own. This is a curious thing - that someone that has been brainwashed into submission of the Microsoft Borg-like mentality could actually still own a Macintosh, let alone two. So, he gave me a call to ask if it were true.

I told him it was. He rambled on and on about all sorts of marketing gobbeldy-gook and about some grand scheme, but the bottom line is that he wanted my Macs. Apparently, he couldn’t buy them himself because it would not look good, and it is nearly impossible to find them between stores being forced to not carry them and Apple being unable to develop one that doesn’t blow up or catch fire. He offered me 20% of all profits on the sale of this new Windows 97 that my Macs would help create.

I, of course, refused. I told him I love my little Macs far too much to sell them. I even refused to give up my little Mac Plus, that doesn’t run any longer since the power supply fried for the seventh time - I have not a penny left since the first six failed. Still, I would not give them up for all the money in Redmond.

Bill, now even more confused, then was curious if I would be willing to do him a favor. He explained that he had copied everything from the Mac operating system he possibly could, save one thing: the whole operating system itself. Hurting for time, he did not have the time to check this out with all the legal folks, so he just needed someone to get him a copy of the Mac operating system to re-label as Windows 97.

Bill then let me in on my end of the scheme. He asked me to drive down to Cupertino, California (home of Apple Computer) to steal a copy of a Macintosh operating system for him. He was proud of this coup, and did not have time for me to dilly-dally with this project. "I need that operating system now," he explained.

"Any particular one?’ I asked.

"Oh, any of them would be better than what we got right now," he said. He was referring to the fact that he does not have any Windows 97 code yet, of course.

Seeing that we both live in the state of Washington, and we both eat at Wendy’s on occasion, I felt a desire to help my poor Lake Washington brother. I told him I would happily get him a copy of a Macintosh system. I, of course, explained to him that the Mac operating system is free to any owner of a Macintosh computer. He then told me if I spoke word of that news to anyone ever again, I would be fully assimilated into Windows 3.0 with no hope of reprieve. I promised my lips were sealed. (I hope he does not read this.)

I hopped in my car and away I went. I felt a kinship to the place as I started to read "Infinite Loop" on the road sign that can best be described as Saturn commercial meets the warm fuzzies of "It’s A Wonderful Life". Yet, for some reason there was a dark cloud hanging over my head with the realization of the devilish deed I was forced to pursue.

My first thought was to just walk in the front door and pose as a Mac OS programmer. Then I remembered they were all canned. Then I thought I could dress up as the new CEO. But I recalled the CEO was one of the few positions which was re-filled.

My extensive use of Windows operating systems had left me with little creative license, so I found myself with only one option left: break in.

I grabbed my pocket knife, put on a ski mask, walked up to the building under the cover of darkness, and started chipping my way in. I felt a horrible pang of guilt since the building was so pretty on the outside, but once I started chipping away at it, I realized underneath it was a real mess anyway.

Only a few minutes later I was discovered. A security guard caught me and told me that "Evangelistas" are asked to refrain from stealing pieces of the holy temple. When I looked him in the eye, he realized I did not have the glazed-over zombie look of the usual Kawasaki lemming, and was compelled to ask what I was doing. I told him I had driven all the way from Seattle to steal a copy of the Macintosh operating system.

"Steal?" he asked. "Don’t you own a Mac?"

"Yes, I do," I replied.

"Well, here you go," he says as he hands me a CD-ROM with the label "Mac OS 7.5.13.4.8 release 12". As I read the label, he apologized for the long operating system name, "When you release two bug fixes a year, it gets a little tough to come up with original names."

I thanked him and walked out to my car. A smile started to show on my face when I thought of the possibility of the new version of Windows being a Macintosh operating system. Instead of a cryptic DOS message saying my system has become unstable, I will get an unhappy Mac, or better yet, maybe a little picture of a bomb. "Progress," I mutter under my breath.

As I was just about to open the door to my car, a man startled me from behind. "Is that for Gates?" he asked.

"Why, yes. How did you know that?"

"I got a Good Times message last night which I traced back to him. I haven’t received a Good Times message from him since he sent it to me over FidoNet. I knew he was up to no good."

"And who are you?" I asked.

"That is not important. What is important is what old Bill is up to. He has plans to steal the whole Mac operating system, pretty little apple logo and all, doesn’t he?"

"He does."

"I can’t have that, my friend. Not too long ago, I declared the Macintosh dead, and I refuse to be proven wrong. If Bill gets hold of that disk as-is, the whole world will be running Macintosh, and they’ll be rubbing it in my face for years to come. I’m not going to be proven wrong by some billionaire backwoods, lakefront, property-loving, Washington four-eyes."

"Well," I said, "I have to take him back something or I will be forever doomed to Windows 3.0."

"That is a fate worse than death, I must admit." The man started to see my point. "There may be a way out of this. Has Bill ever actually seen a Macintosh?"

I responded, "He told me they had taken all of their ideas for Windows from an Apple Lisa they had picked up at the Salvation Army back in 1986."

"He is a smart man. The Lisa was a work of art. But, because he has never seen a real Macintosh operating system, he won’t know if what he got was the real thing or not."

"That’s true," I said.

"What do you say we head back to my garage and cook up some mixture of my operating system, which nobody will buy anyway, with that Apple operating system. At least then, I will only be partially wrong. And even better, my wrong prediction will be negated by Bill stealing half of my operating system, too. I will be remembered and loved forever."

"Yeah, whatever."

So, off we went to his garage. The strange man then quickly blended the Mac operating system I had on the CD with his own operating system. In minutes he handed me a new CD labeled "The NeXT Macintosh". He explained he spent millions on the label, and the design to make it fit perfectly around the center of the CD. I did not wish to hurt his feelings, so I told him it was money well spent.

The strange man then gave me a couple of printed screen shots of his operating system creation, and said, "Do you think he will know it is not completely a Mac?"

"Not a chance in hell," I replied.

He drove me back to my car at the Infinite Loop with my NeXT Macintosh CD in hand. I thanked him for his time, and invited him to come back to Redmond with me to introduce his creation to Bill. He said he would prefer not, and muttered something about needing to get off the property before they tow him off again. I did not quite understand it.

I walked back to my car, where I was once again startled. The same security guard that gave me the original Macintosh CD had come to reclaim his gift.

The security guard started explaining his problem, "I am so glad I found you. Listen, I accidentally gave you the master copy of the latest Macintosh system. I thought I gave you a copy of Mac OS 7.5.13.4.8 release 11, but instead I accidentally gave you Mac OS 7.5.13.4.8 release 12. They are going to use that as a master to make copies for all Mac users. If you would be so kind as to return it, I would be happy to send you a copy as soon as they are done."

I tried to explain, "I’m sorry, but that old CD was destroyed. A strange man I met in this parking lot took that old operating system and threw it together with his own. That is what is on this CD. You don’t want to put this on a Macintosh. We really only ever meant it for Intel hardware."

"Oh, that is bad. Oh well. We have a new boss, and he says we gotta ship these things twice a year, no matter what. That will be our new system then. We don’t have many programmers around here. Heck, they even have us security guards carrying around the original versions of operating systems. It will just have to do." With that, he took the CD and wrote down the address of where to send a copy of it, not even flinching when I said "One Microsoft Way".

I shrugged, hopped in my car with only a few operating system screen shots , and headed north. I was desperate. I was ruined. I was destitute. I would forever be forced to use Windows 3.0 without any chance of upgrade. How would I survive? Bill would be furious when I arrived back in Redmond empty-handed, and Melinda would REALLY be mad. What was I to do?

When I got home, I got up the nerve to give Bill a call. I type "*1" on my speed dial phone (doesn’t every Windows 95 user have a Microsoft number set for speed dial?), and explained the whole story.

"That’s okay, Monty," he told me. "Melinda and I thought it over and decided that this whole browser as the operating system is silly enough that it might even work. She says it’s the most original idea I have ever come up with, and is even willing to forego divorcing me for half my property since I actually did something original. I can’t let her down."

"That’s great, Bill. However, when the whole browser thing falls through, that security guard at Apple is planning on sending you a copy of that new operating system."

"Fabulous. It will make a great back-up plan. Thanks for your help. Oh, and I’ll send you a half-off coupon for Windows 97 for being such a good sport," he told me.

"You’re all heart, Bill."

"Hey, I’m a martyr to my own generosity. Oh, and don’t be too vocal about that whole free Mac operating system upgrade thing, okay?"

"No problem. What do you want me to do with these screen shots of that new Mac OS?" I asked.

"I don’t know. Post em on the Internet for all I care. Heck, make a bitmap file out of them for Windows owners to use as a backdrop. We gotta dream, don’t we?"

I responded, "That’s a great idea, Bill. Later."

And that is how I managed to get copies of the latest Macintosh operating system. True story. Well, minus the whole talking to Bill part.